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JUWAFAT AL-KAFRAYN, JORDAN — Researchers in the Jordan River Valley say they’ve uncovered the first extra-Biblical evidence of John the Baptist with a completely intact pair of tighty whities.

“We’ve known for some time that all the greatest baptizers of history from John the Baptist to Russell Brand wore tighty whities while baptizing, and this just confirms it,” said Mary Ambrose, a researcher with the Jordanian Department of Antiquities. “After years of searching, we finally have what may be the most important pair of tighty whities in history.”

In Mark’s gospel, John the Baptist is described as “clothed with camel’s hair and [wearing] a leather belt around his waist[.]” However, his underwear was never described in sacred scripture, leading many to think the cousin of Jesus went commando.

“We now know definitively that when he baptized people he’d remove all his clothing except for his tighty whities before heading into the Jordan River,” said Dr. Connecticut James, a historian specializing in the history of the ancient Levant. “You can’t wear camel hair in the water because it shrinks.”

Theologians say this lends credence to the first-century practice of baptism by total immersion, prompting the Eastern Orthodox Church to become particularly smug. “He wouldn’t need to wear tighty whities out in the river if he was sprinkling water on people,” said Patriarch Theophilos III of Jerusalem, a leader within the Eastern Orthodox Church. “Yet another reason we are better than Catholics.”

At publishing time, Israel challenged Jordan’s claim to the tighty whities, sparking another war in the region.

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