The Gripe Report: Calling Things ‘Homemade,’ People Who Take Dogs Everywhere

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In the last edition of The Gripe Report — which some are calling an instant classic (not me, per se, but some are saying it) — we talked about how tipping has gotten a little nuts over the last few years. Well, Chris in Nebraska sent in what I think should be the standard tipping guidelines that we adopt as a society.

Have a gripe? Send it in!: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com

Take it away, Chris:

-Bars–I’m always tipping 20% and will tip more if the bartender gives me a round or 2 on the house.

Open Bar at a wedding/event–I drop a $20 at my first order and make sure I make eye contact with the bartender so they see the tip. I’ll tip $1 per drink after that. Not surprisingly, my cocktails are stiffer than a dead body and I’m able to get my drinks pretty quickly.

Sit–down restaurant–20%+

Curbside takeout–10%, will tip more if the weather is crappy outside

Take out when I have to pick it up–0% unless it’s some giant takeout order that I know was a PITA

Coffee Place–0% regardless of drive-thru or if I go inside. The only exception is if they throw in a free muffin or something. Exceptions are made if I happen to have a dollar or two in cash on me, if I’m in a particularly good mood (basically the opposite of Hookstead when he watches those sh–bag Wisconsin Badgers this year. Haha get f–ked Hookstead! Have fun with Phil Longo!) or the barista is super friendly–I tend to get coffee at like 6 am on a Sunday so if you bring the juice, I’ll throw you a couple bucks.

Local Pizza Joints–Hot take, 10% or more on takeout. The two pizza places I frequent are both family–owned joints that have been around for a long time. I’ve been going to those places for 10+ years, I know them, they know me. They ask me how the family is doing and vice versa and we’ve built up a solid relationship. 

Chain Pizza Joints when I have to pick up food for the unwashed masses who enjoy that garbage. Zero f–king percent.

Delivery drivers always get 20ish%, and will tip more if the weather is terrible.

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Wow… didn’t expect that left turn into Badger/David Hookstead-bashing, but in this humble writer/sports fan/amateur bikini judge’s opinion, this is how it should be. Generous but fair.

By the way, if you’re not privy to the $20 move for the wedding bartender and then singles afterward, you’re missing out. 

If you want to feel like a pseudo-celebrity for a couple of hours— sort of on the level of someone who did a guest spot on Yes, Dear or went viral for stumbling down stadium steps and spilling nachos on themselves — this is your ticket.

That’s my preferred move too, but Chris is right, the key is making sure you make eye contact with the bartender and that they know that it’s your 20 in the champagne glass or mason jar or whatever stupid thing the bride gave them to put tips in. Otherwise, you may as well just throw that twenski out the window because it’s worthless.

Well, it’s still worth $20, but it won’t make the bartender roll out the red carpet when you saunter up to the bar with your tie loosened and your shirt unbuttoned and in need of another Jack and Coke.

Great stuff, but I don’t like to dwell in the past with last week’s gripes, maaaaaaaaan, so let’s see what you folks have got stuck in your craw this week…

Calling Things ‘Homemade’ That Aren’t

One of my favorite things about doing The Gripe Report is having new things to complain about bright to my attention, and I would file this one from John under that category:

My gripe maybe isn’t really a gripe, per se, but an odd observation: Restaurants that advertise “Homemade” food. By very definition, this means “made at home.” Unless the owner lives in the restaurant, the food is unlikely to be homemade. And if they are making the food at home and then bringing it to the restaurant, I imagine that would violate some health code. What they mean is “made from scratch”, I get that. But that’s not what they’re saying.

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Once I read this message from John, I started seeing this all over the place. Right now there’s an ad for a certain Italian chain restaurant that serves kickass breadsticks and salad that claims to serve “homemade” sauces.

Homemade by who, and in what home?

We all know that those sauces show up in a big plastic bag, and we accept that fate upon walking in the door. There’s no need to lie to us. No one believes for a second that someone’s nonna is slaving away in the back on a big pot of her signature marinara.

No, I’m eating here because it’s cheap and their breadsticks are dynamite (did I mention the breadsticks?)

This must be one of those things that gets enough dumb people to take the bait that they still do it. 

I think “homestyle” is similar to this. They’re conceding that it’s not homemade, but it’s like homemade.

Whatever the case, I agree, restaurants should knock it off.  We’re hip to it.

People Who Take Their Dog Everywhere

Here’s another one I’ve been seeing way too much in recent weeks coming to us from Stacy: 

The first rule of pet ownership is this:   Not everyone likes your dog as much as you do.   I don’t even know if this is really a gripe but what is with everyone having to take their dog with them wherever they go?   This is especially true at big box hardware stores.  I mean, am I in Lowe’s or did PetSmart start selling lumber and tools?   My family has a dog, but we do not feel the need to pack him up and take him with us when we have to leave the house for more than 10 minutes.    Just stop it people.   

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Look, I like dogs too. I think mine is very cool. However he stays at home because I’m not a douchebag… well, I just don’t take my dog places.

Sure, there are plenty of service dogs out there that need to be out and about, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that any dog being pushed in a stroller isn’t a service dog.

I’ve seen that phenomenon two or three times in the last week and a half.  

I don’t really get why you would want to do that. Any time I take my dog somewhere dog-friendly it’s wildly stressful. I’m constantly making sure he’s okay and not marking his territory on things he shouldn’t or that he’s not in people’s way.

It’s hard to enjoy yourself like that, so why?

We all know deep down that it’s a ploy for attention. They don’t care if it’s good attention or bad attention. You’re looking at them thinking, “Why the hell is there a Chihuahua in this movie theater?” and that’s what they want. Eyes.

It’s not really fair to the dog, because in that movie theater example (which I haven’t seen personally, but wouldn’t be shocked by), I don’t think it’s good for your pooch to have its ears getting blasted by Dolby Digital surround sound.

The same goes for walking on hot pavement. I’ve seen people drag dogs to theme parks in the middle of summer. Why?

Again. Attention.

We need to band together as a society and not give these people attention. I know it’s hard. I like dogs too, but it’s in the pooch’s best interest to chill at home instead of getting pushed in a shopping cart through Target.

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That’s it for this edition of The Gripe Report! Thanks for checking in, and we’ll reconvene next week.

In the meantime, send in those gripes!: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com