Scientists Realize Strange Object Buried With Mummy Is World’s Oldest Cheese

There was a brief moment in my collegiate career when I thought I might want to pursue a career in archeology.

Then I realized it was less “Indiana Jones” and more cleaning pieces of pottery with a toothbrush after spending a decade in college, and so I stuck with the tried and true degree in radio-television.

One thing that always struck me with archeology was how much guesswork there is. Like, they’d find a jar, and they’d be like, “Oh, the ancient Phoenicians kept wine in these.” 

Oh really? Are we positive that wasn’t a spittoon or chamber pot?

So, I’d like to see what kind of explanation they’ve got for the ancient Chinese mummy that was buried with the world’s oldest cheese around its neck like jewelry.

The 3,600-year-old coffin of a young woman was found two decades ago, but the substance that was placed around her neck was a mystery.

That is until researchers realized it seems to be some kind of ancient cheese, in which case, it would be the oldest ever found (although, I’ve got some Kraft Singles that got pushed to the back of my fridge that would like a word).

“Regular cheese is soft. This is not. It has now become really dry, dense, and hard dust,” said paleogeneticist Fu Qiaomei in the scholarly journal Cell.

Far be it for me to explain to a paleogeneticist the finer points of cheese, but it seems we need a refresher.

*Puts on glasses and lab coat, pulls out one of those pointer things*

First of all, we do have hard cheeses. But even the creamiest, softest brie you can find might get big and chalky after, oh, I don’t know several millennia.

So, it not being as creamy and delicious as it was back in the day probably shouldn’t be much of a surprise.

The findings show how the ancient Xiaohe people who lived in what is now Xinjiang, raised mammals.

But that still doesn’t answer why a young woman would be buried with some of it around her neck, and I don’t think we’ll ever know the answer to it.

Although, it would be funny to confuse the hell out of researchers thousands of years in the future.