Florida Man vs. Hurricane Helene: The Gentleman’s Guide to the Golden Age

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Okay, the “Too Long; Didn’t Read” article breakdown: You take a bottle of rum, a bottle of Sprite, and a can of pineapple juice… and just sort of mix it all together. Got it? Good! Now you can survive anything.

After living in the Sunshine State for 20 years (Tampa Bay, baby!) — and witnessing countless hurricanes, tropical storms, flooding, surges, power outages, and transplanted Ohioans driving aimlessly — we’ve seen it all. And now we’re gonna see it once again: Hurricane Helena will be knocking on our door later this week.

No worries: Natural disasters are Florida Man’s time to shine.

To understand the mentality of Florida Man, you need to tap into Floridian demographics: About 25% of our state is comprised of old people. They’re half-dead and drive slowly. They’re not in a rush, and they’ve decided you shouldn’t be either.

Another 25% are country boys and/or rednecks. They drive like maniacs.

The next 25% are out-of-towners who are perpetually staring at their phones, stopping at random red lights (“The phone told me to!”). Apparently, their phones override all traffic laws. They’re completely unpredictable and responsible for most car crashes.

The last 25% are normal, God-fearing, patriotic Floridians: Me. And holy moly, you’ve gotta be Ferdinand Magellan to navigate around these wackaloons on the highway. Everyone’s always going too fast or too slow.

After a few years of this nonsense, iT cAn dRiVe yOU cRaZY! (I’m talking coo-coo for Coco Puffs.) Hahaha, haha, hahahaha, ha, ha… ugh.

We live in Evacuation Zone A. Our house isn’t exactly on the water, but our neighborhood street is on the water, if that makes sense. (So basically, we get to experience all the fun of flooding, but without the nice water view.) Zone A is constantly subject to mandatory evacuation notices. But anecdotally, I’d say that only about one-third of Floridians actually evacuate. Everyone else shrugs their shoulders, stocks up on water, booze, and toilet paper (you know, “the essentials”), and rides it out.

Evacuating is a colossal pain in the a** anyway. The traffic’s a nightmare, all the nearby hotels are already booked (people make dozens of reservations at dozens of Florida hotels “just to be safe,” which ties up the local inventory). Besides, barring anything unduly nutty, you’re probably better off staying at home. Just be advised that you’ll have to forego police protection and ambulance access for a few hours (or even days).

But really, if you have enough alcohol and firearms, why would you NEED any help? (Drink up, cowboy — you got this!)

If you’re riding out a storm like a true Florida Man, you need to do the proper prep work: First, gas up your car. If the power is KO’d, the local fuel pumps won’t work either. So be prepared and top off your tank. Do it now.

It’s also smart to keep some cash on hand — a few hundred to a few thousand (depending on the extent of your gambling addiction). If the power’s out, so are the credit card machines. Cash is king, especially in a crisis.

Charge up all your phones and spare batteries. (Your laptop is like a giant battery. It can recharge your phones, smartwatches, etc., so keep ‘em fully powered.) It’s also wise to have candles and flashlights.

Do you have a grill? A bag of charcoal or a tank of butane? Good: Now you’re totally self-sufficient. (Just like a frontiersman!) You’re basically ready to join the cast of “Little House on the Prairie.”

Of course, grilling outdoors during a torrential downpour is no fun. That’s why you need to have an adequate allotment of indoor snackage ready to roll: Pringles, Frito-Lay, Little Debbie, and Hostess are your friends. Any kind of dip that doesn’t require refrigeration is the way to go.

It’s also advisable to keep a cooler stocked with ice and a few essentials: Milk, baby formula, your beer, any medicine, your beer, and your beer. (Plus, don’t forget your beer.)

When the storm’s overhead, the Internet is gonna be glitchy, so it’s wise to keep a radio and a battery-powered TV. (These storms always come during football season, don’t they? And weirdly, this is the third or fourth major storm to hit Florida during the first Cowboys vs. Giants game of the year! Seriously, there’s something strange going on. I demand answers.)

But really, that’s it. Not too complicated. The storm will get loud, the skies will get noisy and spooky, but more likely than not, you (probably) won’t die. That almost never happens.

In fact, I’m so confident that you (probably) won’t die, I’m willing to bet your life on it.

So take it from Florida Man: Enjoy Hurricane Helena. Stick around and watch Mother Nature’s ultimate magic show. Everything will be fine. Trust me!

And gimme a refill (hiccup).