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EAGAN, MN — Family and friends of Lance Williams recently confirmed that the 45-year-old was just forced into the tearful, harrowing decision to change his wallet after 20 years together.

According to sources familiar with the situation, Williams was compelled to finally make the switch after his former wallet disintegrated into a small pile of dust when he pulled it out to pay his bill at a restaurant.

I saw the tears welling up in his eyes,” said Kristine Williams, Lance’s wife. “It had been just barely holding on for the last three or four years — you know, even duct tape wouldn’t keep the old thing together quite — but he just kept hanging on to it. He’s had it for longer than he’s been married to me. It’s going to be a tough transition.”

Lance was unavailable for comment, as he was mourning the loss of the wallet he’d owned since he turned 25 and was also occupied trying to transfer his decades-old collection of business cards, credit cards, old crumpled dollar bills, stamps, and grocery lists carefully handwritten by his wife into his swanky new wallet.

At publishing time, Lance had been further bereaved when he had to replace a shirt he’d purchased 30 years ago at a garage sale.

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