We support our Publishers and Content Creators. You can view this story on their website by CLICKING HERE.

You might have thought the excitement was over last week after somebody almost did something at Mar-a-Lago, which completely dominated the news cycle for a full 30 minutes. As soon as people realized that Hitler was fine, the country breathed a huge sigh of relief and promptly forgot all about it. But then, just when we started getting bored, Israel introduced terrorists in Lebanon to a fun new game called ‘Exploding Pagers.’ Then, they released a very popular add-on called ‘Exploding Walkie Talkies.’ The game was a bit deadly, so it’s been pulled from the shelves. Thankfully Ilhan Omar escaped harm as she will only play Bunko with her Hezbollah buddies. But that’s not all that happened last week!

Read on for exclusive headlines you will only see here on the Bee Forum News, because Bee subscribers see things no one else sees and say things no one else is brave enough to say, for some reason.

Top Headlines of the Week – headlines with the most upvotes by forum members:

  • Hillary Clinton Pines For The Good Old Days When Assassinations Were Called Suicides @thebigfreeze

  • Israel Sends Free Pagers To Democrats As Thanks For Their Support With The Gaza War @showquest

  • Satan Begs That Hilary Be Cast Out Of Him @carolyn1

  • Israel Condemned For Using Weapons Of Mass Communication @gfanson

  • Sad! No Kids For Ilhan Omar After Brother Involved In Pager Incident @dontslowtheearth

  • Hillary Pleased With Kamala’s Progress As Her Sith Apprentice @disidente_redactico

  • Joe Biden Makes It Clear That There Is No Place For Violence Against The Single Greatest Threat To America In Its Entire History @skp

  • Days Since Last Trump Assassination Attempt Counter Reset To Zero @stankystankowicz

  • More Hollywood Celebs Threaten To Leave The Country If Third Assassination Attempt Is Unsuccessful @njhokie84

  • Ohio Moms Save Boatloads On Lint Rollers @kirgol

  • Introverts For Trump Hold Silent Protest @realmccoy

  • Hezbollah’s Sizable Pager Purchase Costs More Than An Arm And A Leg @ruthiej714

  • Israel Tries To Offer Hamas Unconditional Surrender But Can’t Get Anyone In Gaza On The Phone @neohillbilly

  • Canada Begins Mandatory Water Gun Buybacks @fishythepenguin

  • “We Don’t Want Your Guns” Says Woman Actively Trying To Take Your Guns @nicalys

  • Report: World Just Gonna Act Like Everybody Knew You Could Still Buy A Pager @oldhoss

  • Trump Places Wreath At Lawn Of The Unknown President @eversong

  • Hezbollah Member Not So Excited About Those 72 Virgins Anymore @priehle

Sometimes, really great headlines don’t make it to the top so here are some of my favs:

  • Secret Service Tries New Strategy Of Clearing Shooters From Immediate Vicinity Of Trump @showquest

  • Report: Golf Assassin Accidentally Alerted Secret Service By Yelling ‘Fore!’ Before Shooting At Trump @alola_rychu

  • Trump Asks FBI To Punch His Assassination Attempt Loyalty Card @mrhugs

  • Man Who Threw His Back Out Sneezing Confident He Could “Do MMA” @muaddweeb

  • Trump Endorsed By Taylor Swift’s 826 Ex Boyfriends @smitty2028

  • Hezbollah Discovers Latest Shipment Of Furbies Also Laden With Explosives @stankystankowicz

  • Iran Considers Launching Old Pay Phones Into Israel In Response To Pager Attack On Hezbollah @hustler_family

  • “Yeehaw Howdy Y’all!” Says Kamala At Texas Rally With Western Accent She’s Totally Had The Whole Time @captainadam

  • Dad Forced To Drive Minivan Now Suffers From Low T @lawprof

  • To Show Solidarity With Hezbollah, Harvard Students Put Lit M-80s In Their Pants Pockets @skp

  • Texans Laser Engrave Memes On Their Firearms To Exercise Their 1A And 2A Rights Simultaneously @ar5000

@BONUS – One randomly selected headline:

Do you have breaking news to report? Join us! Who knows, your headline might get published or featured on the Babylon Bee homepage, or it could show up here in our re-cap of the top headlines of the week. Thousands more totally true headlines were posted this week on the forum, but sadly, only Bee subscribers can read them. You did get to read a few, though, so if you have a favorite, please let us know in the comments!

Cover photoshop by subscriber @Disidente_Redactico

P.S. Now check out our latest video 👇


Keep up with our latest videos — Subscribe to our YouTube channel!