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LONG ISLAND, NY — The tension of election season reached a new high today with conflicting reports of further attempts on the life of the former president, as Donald Trump dodged a falling piano, a swinging death blade, and a spiked pitfall trap on his way to a campaign rally.

The latest series of deadly traps matched what has become a disturbing pattern along Trump’s pathway to election day, with experts speculating that the former president may find himself dodging multiple assassination attempts per day over the next several weeks.

“It’s almost as if there’s some unseen force out to get him,” said one campaign insider. “Some members of the media have started accusing us of being paranoid, but after that huge wrecking ball swung just barely in front of Trump’s vehicle yesterday followed by him narrowly avoiding stepping into that mote filled with hungry crocodiles outside Mar-a-Lago the day before, we’re all starting to think something fishy is going on.”

Trump’s critics were quick to suggest the events weren’t as dangerous as reported. “Oh, come on, like that’s anything worse than what we all deal with every day,” said one anti-Trump protester. “So he’s having to dodge numerous deadly attacks each day, big whoop! He obviously brought this on himself with all his divisive rhetoric and attempts to overthrow democracy. Maybe he should do himself a favor and just drop out of the race.”

At publishing time, Trump had reportedly safely reached the location of today’s rally, despite being narrowly missed by a poison blow dart, having a knife thrown into the wall just beside his head, and rolling out of the way of a runaway cement truck.

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