Miley Cyrus Sued, TikTokers Eating Dirt, Jamaal Williams Loves His Hairless

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It’s been a rough week, y’all.

I was so excited for Thursday Night Football. I was sure THIS would be the time that my Miami Dolphins would finally beat the Buffalo Bills. No more messing around. We finally have our sh*t together.

Just kidding, our QB almost died for a third time. We suck again.

To add insult to injury, half of my fantasy football lineup went down with injuries over the weekend, too — Justin Jefferson, Cooper Kupp and Evan Engram. But honestly, at that point, I was numb to it all anyway. Nothing hurts more than knowing the Dolphins are once again destined for mediocrity for the millionth season in a row.

My weekend was at least partially salvaged by the fact that the Tennessee Volunteers won 71-0. Look at us, on track to make the Playoffs this year! But then they went and did me dirty, too — announcing today that Tennessee will add a 10% “Talent Fee” to help them pay the players.

Between already astronomical ticket prices and jacked-up hotel rooms, it costs a small fortune to spend a weekend in Knoxville on game weekend. What I wouldn’t give to have back that tiny dorm (my parents were paying for), just a five-minute brisk walk away from Neyland Stadium.

Being a grown adult really sucks sometimes.

Anyway, enough griping from me. That’s Matt Reigle’s department , anyway. The Team Screencaps Ragnar squad has talked me into running a half marathon on Sunday — against my better judgment. So I want nothing but good vibes and electrolytes from this moment forward!

And a Vols win over Oklahoma.

Grab a cold beverage of your choice, Tuesday crew. It’s Nightcaps time!

Did Miley Cyrus Copy Bruno Mars?

This year, Miley Cyrus won her very first GRAMMYs — Best Pop Solo Performance and Record of the Year for her hit song “Flowers.” If you aren’t familiar, it’s a you-go-girl, post-breakup anthem bragging about how she can love herself better than her worthless, stupid ex can.

But …it’s not particularly original. If you’re a keen consumer of pop music (which I am not), you might notice that the song is tremendously similar to Bruno Mars’ 2013 song “When I Was Your Man.” In fact, it seems like the exact same song, just from the female’s perspective.

This sums it up pretty well:

Well, someone on Bruno’s team caught on. Tempo Music Investments is suing Miley (and two other co-writers), claiming there are “striking similarities” between the two songs and that Cyrus’ track “would not exist without” Mars’ ballad.

“Any fan of Bruno Mars’ ‘When I Was Your Man’ knows that Miley Cyrus’ ‘Flowers’ did not achieve all of that success on its own,” the documents state. “‘Flowers’ duplicates numerous melodic, harmonic, and lyrical elements of ‘When I Was Your Man.'”

For what it’s worth, Bruno himself is not listed as a plaintiff in the lawsuit.

So the lyrics to “Flowers” certainly appear to directly reference “When I Was Your Man,” although that’s never been confirmed by Miley herself. Many of her fans are convinced that the song is about Miley’s ex-husband Liam Hemsworth, whom she was married to for a whole year — which I think translates to about seven years in normal people time.

Since I’m just a humble writer and not a learn-ed lawyer, I have somewhat of a stupid question: Even if she was responding to the lyrics to Bruno Mars’ song, is that illegal?

I’m sure most songwriters have been inspired — at some point or another — by lyrics written by other songwriters. If I really put my noggin into it, I could come up with plenty of other examples.

I mean, let’s be real: We’re kind of running out of ideas for wildly innovative and original songs at this point. Can you just go around suing everyone who sings about break-ups, love, relationships and going out dancing?

Not that Miley needs little old me to defend her. I’m sure she’s paying a team of attorneys handsomely to handle that.

And they’d better figure it out. Because, in addition to asking for an unknown (and probably astronomical amount in damages), Tempo wants Cyrus to stop “reproducing, distributing, or publicly performing ‘Flowers.'”

She should just re-write it next time she performs: “I can win my own GRAMMY…”

That would be a real petty middle finger to Tempo and Bruno since “When I Was Your Man” did not, in fact, win a GRAMMY.

TikTokers Are Eating Dirt

Remember when we were kids and those supermoms who were always doing the most would make us those “dirt cup” desserts? It was usually a small plastic cup with some chocolate pudding, Oreo crumbles and gummy worms.

Hahaha we are eating worms and dirt! It was hilarious and whimsical in our teeny underdeveloped brains.

Well, apparently that was a slippery slope. Because now some crunchy granola moms on TikTok are feeding their children ACTUAL dirt.

Like in this video, where a “fertility and hormone coach” named Stefanie filmed her child sitting in the backyard munching on clumps of dried mud. Stefanie claims it’s good for your gut health.

And before you say, “This must be an isolated incident,” I regret to inform you it is not.

In fact, there are so many people on the dirt-eating train that online retailers like Amazon and Etsy have begun selling bags of edible clay — which can range in cost from around $11 to $27, depending on quality and quantity. One Amazon vendor claims their $11.99 edible red clay is an “anti-aging” tool because it unclogs and tightens pores.

We have reached peak idiotic consumerism when people are buying dirt on Amazon instead of just going outside and getting it themselves.

It doesn’t matter to me if any of this is true. There is no benefit short of making me utterly invincible and bulletproof that will convince me I should go out in my backyard and scoop a bunch of soil into a cereal bowl. But I was curious to see if there actually is any validity to this insanity.

And I regret to inform you, again, that there apparently is.

According to a 2019 study, “The soil contributes to the human gut microbiome. It was essential in the evolution of the human gut microbiome, and it is a major inoculant and provider of beneficial gut microorganisms.”

Researchers also found benefits when it comes to fighting obesity — probably because if you rub mud all over your double cheeseburger and fries, you’ll be less likely to want to eat them. And direct contact with dirt can supposedly improve one’s skin and immune system as well.

While I was reading this love letter to dirt, I was just waiting for the shoe to drop. And boy did it.

“The analysts added that more soil in one’s diet could also reduce the need for eating livestock and dairy products, which can improve the digestive system.”

Aaaaaand there it is.

Nothing to see here, friends. This is just another attempt by the loony climate activist cult to keep you from eating meat and having any sort of enjoyment in life. You know, the same people telling you to eat bugs instead of steak and those “Impossible” chemical patties instead of burgers.

Don’t fall for it!

I Love (Croissant) Lamp

If dirt isn’t really your culinary preference, maybe I can interest you in a …lamp?

A woman in Australia got quite the surprise when she was gifted a croissant-shaped lamp that her sister bought on Temu.

I, personally, have never purchased anything from Temu. From my understanding, Temu is like a cheaper Amazon, where you can buy all the crap you don’t need directly from China for a fraction of the normal cost. In doing so, though, you risk your credit card information being stolen or just winding up with something entirely different from what you ordered in the first place.

Thus was the experience of the proud new owner of croissant lamp, who came home one day to find her gift completely covered in ants. Perplexed, she broke the lamp in half to reveal flaky layers inside.

This wasn’t a lamp shaped like a croissant. This was an actual croissant — dipped in resin and converted into a lamp.

The most appalling part of the video, though, came when this woman decides to TASTE TEST the lamp. First of all, God knows how long ago that croissant was baked. Second, it was covered in ants. And third, I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to ingest resin.

Maybe dirt isn’t so bad after all.

I did a quick Temu search, though, for fun-shaped lamps, and they make all kinds: toast, squirrels, birds, mice, chickens, flowers, jellyfish… really hoping the manufacturing process is not the same as croissant lamp, though.

One final note on croissants, while we’re at it:

Jamaal Williams Likes His Kitties Hairless

I mean that quite literally, you perverts. The guy owns two hairless cats.

I ran across this post, declaring “Victory Cat Monday,” with a photograph of the New Orleans Saints running back getting dangerously close to the most unnerving-looking house cat I’ve ever seen.

Look, I’m admittedly not a cat person. But hairless cats are a whole different level of weird to me. They look like they come straight out of an apocalyptic horror movie where some demon is swooping in and zombie-fying the pets.

Not to be confused with people eating pets, which has become a hit dance trend on TikTok since the last debate:

I digress.

OK, so upon further investigation, it turns out Jamaal Williams is a big hairless cat guy. To the point where they are his whole personality. His Sphynx cats (the proper name, I’m told) are named Negative Beerus Williams and Pearlyly Happy Williams, which are wildly peculiar names for a couple of house cats. Or any creatures, really.

Regardless, he posts about them all the time and misses them very much when he’s stuck at the Saints’ facility for hours on end.

What a year for crazy cat l̶a̶d̶i̶e̶s̶ people.