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This story slipped past the perimeter with the same stealth as would-be Trump assassin Ryan Routh at the Trump International Golf Club. It really deserves to be elevated because it is one-part hilarious, two-parts frightening, and one-part, “Yaass Queen!” 

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An eight-year-old girl in Solon, OH decided that she really needed some retail therapy, because it’s hard out there in those suburban streets. So, she grabbed $400 (from where?), grabbed the keys to the family SUV, and drove to the Target 10-miles away.

I guess they build them different in Ohio.

WATCH: 

 

“We did let her finish her Frappuccino. We’re not mean.” 

Dead.

Thank God for neighbors with Ring cameras and police officers who were on the case. The fact that all she did was hit a mailbox is kind of boss. We have adults doing far more damage every day, and they actually received driver training. As one commenter on the Bedford PD post said, “Math aside, I drive on a daily basis around other adult drivers that can’t drive to Walmart 1 mile away, that are a threat on the roads.”

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Facts.

But seriously, prayers for her parents, who refused to be interviewed by the ABC reporter, probably because they were embarrassed and more than a little upset. It is clear this kid is not only wicked smart, but ingenious and quite determined to have her own way. I think Dr. James Dobson called this “The Strong-Willed Child,” and her mother and father are guaranteed to be going gray because of it. I am not sure what the argument sounded like before little girl lifted the SUV keys or what the punishment will be like now that she has been found safe and returned to the bosom of her home. They’re definitely going to have to lock up the cash and the car keys, but with this girl’s intellectual prowess, she probably could figure out how to hotwire the vehicle.

Don’t doubt me.

With this type of child, education and activity are critical. My mother used to say, “an idle mind is the devil’s workshop,” so the mind of a precocious eight-year-old is probably finding all kinds of ways to get in trouble, without knowing she’s doing it. Keep that big brain and that little body occupied, and you’ll have less impromptu car stealing and shopping trips. But you have to admire the hustle and the independence. The one time I ventured away from home (by accident), I had to beg for quarters to call my mother to get me back. So, the fact that this eight-year-old was able to navigate a car and use GPS is a huge feat and could portend a huge future. With the proper guidance, direction and discipline, this girl could be the first female president (please, God) or the next female serial killer. 

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At eight, this little Ohio girl is smarter than Kamala Harris, so let’s pray for the former.