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PHILADELPHIA, PA — Americans on both sides of the political have finally united under a single issue: every single American in the United States has agreed to vote for whichever candidate stops sending them campaign donation text messages first.

Political analysts say that the move probably stems from the average man getting fed up with receiving over 3,400 text messages soliciting monetary donations from the Trump and Harris campaigns combined.

“Please…just make the texts stop,” said Casey Muller, an American voter who spends about three hours a day deleting campaign texts. “I’ve already had to go part-time to keep up with deleting all of the messages. We give up, all right? I’ll vote for whoever just stops sending the text messages first!”

In response to the outcry, both campaigns have reportedly decided to start sending even creepier text messages. “You don’t want texts? TOO BAD. We’re about to take it up a notch,” said Trump spokesman Dan Rawls. “Our next campaign promises to literally push Clarence Thomas off a cruise liner if you don’t donate in the next ten minutes. It’s getting real, people.”

At publishing time, voters had begun offering to donate to campaigns in exchange for never getting text messages ever again.

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