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U.S. — A new scientific study published in the September issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine suggests that a majority of wives only clean their house so they can smugly apologize for how messy it is whenever their friends come over.

“Oh, I’m so sorry. My place is just such a mess,” Tiffany Sanders, the subject of a case study, said as she invited friends into her immaculate home. “I just don’t have any time!”

Single women and all men are reportedly immune to this behavior.

According to the study, the phenomenon may be the result of most women’s innate desire to be better than everyone else and to destroy their enemies without losing their ability to apologize for everything all the time. The only wives who did not participate in the behavior were either blind, paraplegic, or both.

“Women are literally torturing themselves,” said Dr. Imogen Goldwraith, one of the leading wife scientists in the country. “They only clean so they can rub it in the face of other women. But they never receive fulfillment because another wife ends up doing the same thing to them. They get locked in a vicious cycle, attempting to one-up each other ad infinitum.”

“Oh, and please excuse the mess,” she added, motioning to her pristine lab she had just spent 12 hours cleaning. “I just can’t do a thing with it.”

At publishing time, a companion study was released by husband scientists revealing that a majority of husbands don’t even notice when the house is dirty.

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