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ALEXANDRIA, VA — California’s minimum wage hike claimed another victim this week in the popular fast-food burger joint now formerly known as Five Guys. Following a massive round of layoffs, the fast-food restaurant is now down to only two guys.

“We had to let go of Chad, Ben, and Tyler. Now it’s just me and Matt,” said Jim Murrell, one of the original five guys. “Which sucks because Matt is really annoying.”

“Business was good,” said Matt Murrel, the other guy. “But then we opened up locations in California and our costs went through the roof.”

The two remaining guys reportedly discussed closing up shop in California entirely but didn’t want to give rival In-N-Out Burger the satisfaction of watching their retreat. “It’s worth fighting In-N-Out even if it tears our family apart,” Matt said.

Earlier in the year, Ben Murrel had expressed concern about the rising costs of doing business in California. “Something’s gotta’ give,” he said during a budget meeting. “I propose we cut the portion size of french fries. No one can eat all of them anyway.” Ben Murrel later became the first guy to lose his job. The other four guys promised to never cut french fry portions, even if it meant laying off Tyler, which they eventually did.

Now, with only two guys left, are there any regrets? “No,” said Matt Murrell. “We got a robot that handles everything they used to do.”

Two Guys Burgers & Fries launches its worldwide rebrand this fall.

Watch how a D.E.I. consultant magically turns a video game into… well, something else entirely.


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