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CHICAGO — Attendees at the Democratic National Convention were discouraged Thursday when they discovered that the surprise guest they had all been waiting for turned out to be Carrot Top.

“He’s still alive?” asked a delegate from Ohio.

Multiple media outlets reported that there would be a surprise guest at the DNC, with many speculating it would be Beyoncé or even Taylor Swift. But Swiftes and the BeyHive had their hopes shattered when the red-headed prop comic took the stage.

“Hey guys, vote for Kamala!” Carrot Top said to groans. “I’ve got this great invention here, it’s a Polling Booth Planchette so you can let your dead relatives vote for Kamala for you. This makes your one vote worth thousands!“

“Get it? Because a planchette is from a Ouija Board — forget it.”

The talented comedian reportedly took a sabbatical from his sweet gig at the Luxor Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas so he could appear at the convention and “rally the troops” around a Kamala Harris presidency by sharing a funny prop called a Teleprompter Belt that President Biden could wear so he always knows what to say.

“Get it?” he said.

At publishing time, it was confirmed that the vasectomy trucks were just elaborate prop jokes by Carrot Top. No one was able to get the procedures they wanted. Instead, Carrot Top would laugh at them once they removed their pants and say, “Get it?”

Watch how a D.E.I. consultant magically turns a video game into… well, something else entirely.


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