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U.S. — A new study out of the University of Colorado has confirmed what many have long suspected: all men secretly yearn for nothing more than to be swept up in an epic adventure where they can blow the dust off an ancient map. The research suggests that this primal desire outweighs even the most basic male needs, such as food, shelter, and even companionship.

Lead researcher Dr. Andy Parsons explained the findings at a press conference. “We’ve discovered that men are hardwired to crave the thrill of uncovering hidden treasure, preferably after some dramatic map-related dust blowing,” said Dr. Parsons. “It’s not about the gold or the glory — it’s about that one perfect moment where the map is revealed, and they get to say something like, ‘This is it, boys.'”

Interestingly, the study also noted that the more dust on the map, the higher the excitement levels among the men. “A clean, modern map just doesn’t cut it,” Dr. Parsons remarked. “There’s something about that thick layer of dust that gets the men going, especially if there’s a considerable amount of cobwebs around too. It’s the universal signal that you’re about to discover something that’s been lost for centuries.”

At publishing time, women chimed in in response to the study stating that, “It’s true after all. Men only want one thing and it’s disgusting: A dusty, old, filth-covered map that leads to who knows where.”

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