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U.S. — Facebook is currently undergoing a name change to bring its brand more in line with its sole remaining use: reminding people of upcoming birthdays. The new name, Keeping-Track-Of-People’s-Birthdays-Book, was announced by Meta during a quarterly earnings call.

“People use Facebook because they’ve always used it. But no one’s interacting with friends and loved ones on our horrible, clunky, ad-infested app, they’re checking birthdays,” Facebook founder and Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg explained. “Let’s just call a spade a spade, okay?”

“Oh, hey, it’s my mom’s birthday!” he added before abruptly calling the call short.

In a survey of its users, Meta determined that everyone thought Facebook was a built-in calendar app on their phone and didn’t know you could post pictures or comment on your day with it. “Wait, this is a social media network?” said one user who had been using the social media network for over ten years.

At publishing time, Meta announced it was renaming Instagram to Facebook-With-Extra-Steps-Gram.

Watch how a D.E.I. consultant magically turns a video game into… well, something else entirely.


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