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U.S. — Sports aficionados gained useful knowledge as the result of extensive research, as a study found that baseball began to decline when pitchers stopped having classy handlebar mustaches and names like “Old Slippy” Willabee.

The study, conducted by the Old Timey Baseball Historical Society in upstate New York, concluded that the game was at its peak when players named “Sheep’s Head” McGraw and Arthur “Filthy Ears” Jameson took the mound twirling their immaculately manicured facial hair in between pitches.

“There was a dramatic shift in the upscale atmosphere of the game,” said baseball historian Wellington Bedfordshire. “Yes, baseball has its fans in our modern era, but gone are the days of mustachioed ace pitchers like Wilbur ‘Hardbottom’ Harrison and Percival ‘Potato Sack’ Pennington. That was a different time. When men were men, women were women, and baseball was a decidedly more high-class affair.”

Though Major League Baseball has experienced tremendous popularity and revenue figures in more recent times, fans of the bygone era of the game still find themselves longing for a return to the halcyon days of baseball. “It’s something we’re unlikely to ever experience again,” Bedfordshire said. “Lots of home runs and spectacular plays, yes. But anyone near the caliber of Theodore ‘Donkey Saddle’ Anderson and his trademark muttonchops? Don’t be ridiculous.”

At publishing time, Bedfordshire and his colleagues had started a petition to require all baseball pitchers to wear baggy knickerbocker pants and stop smiling when their pictures are taken.

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