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OXFORD — Eminent behavioral scientists at the University of Oxford have recently unveiled a new feminist theory of human emotions. Specifically, the theory holds that feminists are always angry because they don’t have a man to tell them to calm down when they get angry.

The theory, which was first published in an article in the journal “Behavioral and Brain Sciences” a few months ago, has gained significant traction among researchers who were formerly befuddled as to why feminists are so irate and hysterical all the time.

“This really clears things up,” stated Dr. Henry Richardson, a noted feminist researcher and one of the paper’s primary authors. “For years, we were mystified by how angry these gals managed to get. We ran laboratory experiments, double-blind trials, we put them on placebos at different times in the month…nothing worked. And then, late at night, I was in the office puzzling over it, and I realized — maybe they just don’t have a man around to tell them to calm down!”

“It was my eureka moment,” Richardson continued. “I can retire happy now.”

Behavioral therapists have already begun to implement the theory’s insights by prescribing one ordinary man who can say the magic words “Why don’t you just calm down, honey? You need to calm down” to any rage-filled feminists they encounter. The treatment’s success rate is unconfirmed as yet, but initial reports place it as high as 4%.

At publishing time, fashion experts had released a theory that hypothesizes that feminists all dress so stupidly because they don’t have a man around to tell them that dresses look nice.

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