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OMAHA BEACH — As Private George Donovan of the 116th Infantry Regiment prepared to storm Omaha Beach and take a bullet for his country, he was blissfully unaware that France would one day open the Olympics with a naked blue smurf demon.

“What I do now, I do for the liberation of France and to ensure the freedom of the world,” the blissfully ignorant Donovan wrote before rushing Nazi machine gun positions with the reckless abandon of someone who didn’t realize France would someday perform an Olympic ceremony starring drag queens with their balls hanging out of their shorts.

Before landing, Pvt. Donovan had struggled to keep his food down as he and his fellow soldiers inched closer to Omaha Beach and their destiny. Whether to death or victory, Donovan’s fate was sealed as the landing doors of the Higgins boat fell to reveal Nazi bunkers outfitted with machine guns and Longues-sur-Mer gun batteries. They then charged headlong into gunfire, completely unaware that decades later, France would host the Olympics with a drag queen rendition of The Lord’s Supper featuring a bunch of naked dancing pedophiles.

“Come on, boys! It’s time to liberate France!” Donovan cried as he fearlessly charged forward, only to be cut down by machine gun bullets. “It’s all worth it. I’m sure France won’t turn into a bunch of weird blasphemous perverts or anything.”

“That would never happen…”

At publishing time, the spirit of George Donovan looked upon France in disdain.

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