12 Things Biden Hopes To Accomplish During His Final Months In Office

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Some presidents would slack off their last months in office if they became lame ducks. It’s a huge temptation — you’ve been giving 110 percent for the last three and a half years, so you want to take a break. Makes sense, right?

Not to Joe Biden! Fresh off his withdrawal from the presidential race, our fearless president shows no signs of slowing down before leaving office. We at the Babylon Bee have obtained exclusive access to his bucket list of things to do before leaving office — take a gander!

Finally figure out how to use that darn remote control for the TV in his office: It’ll make watching Matlock much easier.
Eat an ice cream cone in every room of the White House: Why climb Everest? Because it’s there.
Sniff all the female support staff goodbye: They’ll feel touched.
Write his new memoir Come On, Man, Look, Well…Anyway: What a powerful testimony to his years of integrity, sacrifice, and leadership.
Beat levels 1-3 in Super Mario Bros: Just like he beat Medicare.
Get golf handicap under 70: Six might be a bit low.
Bomb New Guinea in honor of Uncle Bosie: Time to teach those cannibals a lesson.
Find out the name of that Black gal who’s Vice President: It’s been bugging him for the last four years.
Learn all the words to “Happy Birthday:” The Star-Spangled Banner was too much to ask.
Catch a Washington Redskins game: He’s been so busy these last few years — a night at a football game would be a perfect break.
Finally pass that stupid cognitive test: Just nine more tries. Okay, fine, a couple more.
Wear the same pair of underwear all day: Some things are worth the challenge.