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CURIA OF POMPEY, ROME — As details from the recent Senatorial scuffle continue to be investigated, official sources from the Senate say that Senator Gaius Cassius has come forward, bloody knife in hand, to affirm that the senators of the Roman Republic “applaud former Dictator Julius Caesar for his decision to do the right thing and step down.”

Cassius and his fellow senator Marcus Junius Brutus, who were both present at a hastily organized retirement party for Caesar, said that the former Emperor who had not been seen for the last six days displayed “true patriotism” in selflessly bowing out.

“This is what it truly means to put Rome first,” Cassius reportedly said, wiping blood from a dagger and rinsing his hands in a bowl of water. “Our beloved Julius, Consul, Pontifex Maximus, and Dictator Perpetuo has made the Senate and the people of Rome his highest priority for so many years and his totally voluntary resignation from Roman politics is only the latest display of his selfless love for Rome. Sic semper tyrannis agatur. Vae Caesar! Vae Caesar! Semper Senatus Populusque Romanus Vivant!“

Dictator Caesar’s whereabouts are still unknown, though power-hungry, dangerous politicians like Marcus Antonius and despotic fascists like Gaius Octavius have spread preposterous conspiracy theories among the plebians, alleging that a group of senators had launched a violent coup against Caesar.

At publishing time, several senators had produced a dictatorial decree signed with an underlined “J. Caesar” which endorsed both Cassius and Brutus for next year’s consular elections.

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