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DAYTON, OH — A lousy, embarrassing excuse for a July 4th backyard fireworks display ended this evening without a single family member hiding for safety behind the shed.

“I’m not sure what went wrong,” said Bruce Hayes, father and chief pyrotechnician of the Hayes family. “Most years, our fireworks display ends in all-out pandemonium and a hasty retreat behind the shed. Never once did I feel this year that my life was in legitimate danger. I made some poor decisions and frankly don’t even deserve to call myself American.”

The real disappointment of the night was the $300 “NUCLEAR PSYCHO FULLY-AUTOMATIC QUADRUPLE CONFLAGRATION DELUXE” that the Hayes family was saving for last. But after lighting it and running for dear life, the firework just emitted a bunch of fireballs that exploded at a safe distance in the air, failing to even set the grass on fire.

“What a waste,” said Hayes. “I think the issue was I actually spent too much on fireworks. I probably got the safer brands that don’t blow up in your hands. My mistake.”

At publishing time, the Johnson family was pulling out the riding lawn mower to let their 7-year old son drive in an attempt to try to recapture some of the true July 4th spirit.

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