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Don’t even pretend like you’re working today.

We’re less than 48 hours away from the Fourth of July and the long weekend that comes with it. Right now, you’re probably sitting at your desk, dreaming of all the beers you’re going to drink, the hot dogs you’re going to eat and the fireworks you’re going to light off. (Please, let’s not lose any fingers this year.)

It feels like just yesterday we were ringing in the New Year. Now look at us… already halfway through it! Ready to celebrate America’s birthday.

And if you’re not feeling the Independence Day spirit just yet, I have just the thing. Turn up your speakers, take off your hat and put your hand over your heart. Uncle Pappy is going to have you ready to double fist Miller Lites and sing Lee Greenwood while you ride into the sunset on a bald eagle.

Well, I’m fired up. Grab a bomb pop and a cold domestic. It’s Nightcaps time!

Do You Follow Proper ‘Boat Etiquette’?

For most parts of the country, that July heat is rough. And there’s no better place to be than on the water.

Maybe you don’t have a boat. Me neither. My husband says they’re too much work. He loves to repeat the old joke, “The two best days of a boat owner’s life are the day he buys it and the day he sells it.” (No, he’s not 80 years old. He just talks like it sometimes.)

But, if you’re lucky, you have a friend or a close family member with a boat — which is really the best of both worlds. You get to enjoy the open waters and feel the wind in your hair without worrying about the expensive maintenance and constant headaches. But if you’re going to enjoy someone else’s boat, you have to follow their rules.

There’s a guy on TikTok who goes by “3 Finger Guy.” It’s a very clever and subtle monicker alluding to the fact that he only has three fingers on one hand. I don’t know what happened. Maybe fireworks.

Anyway, what he lacks in fingers he makes up for with a sweet watercraft on the Ohio River. And he started a series of videos detailing proper etiquette if you get invited on a boat.

As he mentioned, that was only Part 1. He follows it up with a series of videos detailing all the do’s and don’ts of being a boat moocher. Because “there’s a lot of sh*t you land dwellers need to know.”

You probably don’t have the time or the attention span to watch a dozen of his videos, so I have done you the service of condensing his rules into a handy dandy list. You’re about to be the best damn boat guest on the planet!

3 Finger Guy’s Rules For Boating:

  1. Don’t do anything stupid that’s gonna f*ck up my good time.
  2. Show up on time and be ready to go.
  3. Don’t ask what time we’re getting back to shore. You’re on my time.
  4. You don’t owe me gas money unless you expect me to tow your kids around on a tube all f*cking day.
  5. BYOB — but only things that come in cans. Leave “your favorite douchebag IPA that only comes in a bottle” at home.
  6. If you MUST bring your favorite cocktail, make a big batch ahead of time and put it in a plastic jug.
  7. No Jell-O shots.
  8. Stay hydrated.
  9. Wear proper footwear because the boat deck is hot. Stick to sandals or boat shoes. If you wear Crocs, I will make fun of you “because you look like an idiot.”
  10. No chocolate, Cheetos, BBQ chips, berries — “If it can stain your hands, it’ll stain my upholstery.”
  11. No dips.
  12. No small snacks, like Chex Mix or popcorn, that you can eat by the handful and spill all over the place.
  13. Don’t bring bananas. It’s an old-school boat superstition.

That’s a lot of rules for something that’s supposed to be fun. But as someone who is overly protective of my beige leather car interior, I kind of get it.

That said, I am guilty of being a dumbass boat guest.

One time I was invited on a sunset yacht cruise in San Diego. It was an outing for the board of a dog rescue charity, and y’all know I love me some rescue dogs. So I was all in. Anyway, there was a bit of a delay as we were waiting to embark, so they told us to help ourselves to a drink at the dock bar.

Don’t mind if I do.

If you’ve read my Nightcaps before, you know I’m a Miller Lite girl. I also enjoy a good Old Fashioned (emphasis on GOOD). But my true love is red wine. A delicious Malbec, a Cabernet or an Australian Shiraz is heaven in a long-stemmed glass for yours truly. And hey, I’m going on a fancy yacht… it seemed appropriate.

I step onto the boat and take my seat near the front to get a good view. Immediately, a man approaches with pure and utter disgust on his face.

“You brought RED WINE?! On a YACHT?!” he says to me like I’m the biggest moron in Moron-land.

Well, excuuuuuuse me, Skipper. I don’t spend a whole lot of time on yachts, so I wasn’t aware of the protocol.

He swipes the Cabernet away from me like I’m a child and storms down into the cabin. Rude, but OK. Guess I’ll get up and find me a beer once we hit the high seas.

But then he comes back with my wine… in a plastic cup… with a lid and a straw.

Red wine?! On a YACHT?!

(Photo: Amber Harding)

He thrust it into my hands and rolled his eyes. They must have been out of sippy cups.

The dude did not have to be such a complete a-hole, but I get it. If I spilled it, that stuff would wreak havoc on the upholstery. HOWEVER — If you don’t want people drinking red wine on a boat, then don’t sell it on the dock. Not my fault.

Besides, a little red wine stain is better than whatever happened here:

Boat owners, sound off: Is 3 Finger Guy being a little too much of a control freak or is he spot on? Am I an idiot for bringing Cabernet on a boat? Anything he missed? Email me at Amber.Harding@outkick.com and let me know.

Bears Doin’ Summer

Enough of me rambling on about boats. Let’s take a moment to enjoy some bears living their best lives in between hibernations.

First, a very polite and gentle bear who somehow manages not to pop the pool floatie with his giant claws. 10/10 would invite to my house.

This one’s more of a hot tub kind of guy. It’s good for the achy muscles when you’re sore from doing bear stuff all day.

This experienced veteran looks like he’s used a swing a time or two before.

Here’s Yogi helping himself to someone’s pic-a-nick basket. I guess that’s why they say you should keep your coolers INSIDE your vehicles.

But if you’re driving a golf cart, you’re kind of out of luck anyway.

I wonder what his handicap is? I’d like to hear from that bear at the next presidential debate.

A’Ja Wilson Takes The Cake

The beginning of July means the end of Pride Month. And A’Ja Wilson found a unique way to celebrate.

It’s no secret that a lot of WNBA players are gay. So every year, the Las Vegas Aces star buys a custom cake to celebrate her teammates’ sexuality. A little weird, but hey, whatever you need to do to support your friends.

Anyway, this year’s cake is… a doozy.

(Instagram: @aja22wilson)

The mostly-pink cake reads “hooray you gay” and is decorated with rainbows, disco balls and… scissors. OK then!

“Every year, I get my prideful teammates a cake for pride month,” A’Ja wrote on her Instagram story. “This year’s cake was top tier and straight to the point for ’em.”

I don’t have much to add. Good for them. But if you’re like me, you can’t even hear the word “scissors” without thinking about that one South Park episode where Mr. (excuse me, Ms.) Garrison becomes a lesbian.

Morgan Freeman Calls Out TikToker For Stealing His Voice

So far we’ve jumped from boats to bears to gay cakes and now Morgan Freeman. This is what makes Nightcaps truly magical.

There’s a TikTok influencer named Justine… Actually, I don’t know what constitutes an “influencer.” I just know she has way more followers than I do on my humble little Chinese spy app account. No, of course that’s not a shameless plug for you to follow me so that I don’t look like a loser.

Back to Justine. She claims to be the niece of legendary actor and voice of God — Morgan Freeman. She posted a video a couple of weeks ago chronicling “a day in the life of a nepo niece.” And guess who narrated it? 

MORGAN FREEMAN HIMSELF. Watch.

Except she isn’t his niece, and that wasn’t Morgan Freeman at all. It was an AI voice that perfectly replicated the Oscar winner’s iconic baritone. The whole ordeal is equal parts impressive and terrifying. And it fooled EVERYONE. The video went viral.

But Morgan didn’t appreciate that. So he blasted the TikToker for her “unauthorized use” of his voice. Finally, she deleted the video.

“Thank you to my incredible fans for your vigilance and support in calling out the unauthorized use of an A.I. voice imitating me,” he wrote on Facebook. “Your dedication helps authenticity and integrity remain paramount. Grateful.”

Imagine publicly pissing off Morgan Freeman.

In a follow-up video shared on Sunday, Justine defended using the AI voice, saying that she was “having a little bit of fun.”

“I just thought it’d be funny, OK?” she said. “It’s an obvious joke but people don’t have discernment. I thought that it was very obvious that this was a joke. And now Uncle Mo is upset with me. If anyone from his team is watching, I am so sorry.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to record a vlog with my uncle George Clooney.

Some Funny Stuff For The Road

I already know you’re checked out and ready to enjoy your long holiday weekend. Have a few laughs before you go.

Have a very safe and happy 4th, Nightcaps family.

And don’t forget a new Womansplaining drops tomorrow at noon ET! If you’re out on a boat sipping red wine and munching on Cheetos, you can always bookmark it for later.

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.

Follow me on X / Twitter at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.