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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Official White House sources confirmed Monday that President Biden’s State Department had contacted several enemy nations to politely ask that they would only consider attacking the United States between Biden’s waking hours of 10:00 am to 4:00 pm EST.

According to State Department officials, the request was sent to China, Russia, Iran, Iraq, and North Korea, as well as a few miscellaneous Islamic terrorist groups and insurgencies.

“Dear Enemies of the USA,” reads the memo in part. “On behalf of President Biden, we kindly ask that — in the event that you feel like you really just have to attack the USA — you would be considerate and only do so during President Biden’s active hours of 10:00 am to 4:00 pm EST. After those hours, Biden will be sleeping and therefore unable to respond to your attack in a timely manner.”

“We regret any inconvenience that this may cause to your plans, but we thank you for your consideration and compliance.”

China and Russia are the only countries to have responded to the request, with both Xi Jinping and Vladimir Putin sending text messages reading “Definitely, for sure ;)” to the group chat they share with President Biden and Hunter. The State Department has also received a response from ISIS which they think is a yes, but aren’t sure as it consists of an illegible response in Arabic on a paper covered in cartoon pictures of bombs.

At publishing time, Kim Jong Un had been seen chuckling maniacally as he instructed a North Korean intelligence operative to ask the State Department “whether or not to it applies to Daylight Savings Time, too.”

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