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If worrying that the presidential debate would be a snoozer had been keeping you up at night, well now you know you really had nothing to fear. Even with no audience, mics cut, deadpan moderators, Biden on uppers and Trump in an orange straight jacket with duct tape over his mouth — it still managed to be interesting. Hey, we beat Medicare! Don’t forget to tell your friends and family when you gather on the 4th — this alone is big news we all need to celebrate. The excitement of the mostly fiery debate was followed by panic among Democrats with functioning cerebral cortexes who had for some reason taken the wax plugs out of their ears and blindfolds off for the occasion. This panic was expertly quelled by the wise words of Obama: “This is fine.” Order has again been restored, and Dr. Jill is expected to remain in the White House for another four years. But that’s not all that happened last week!

Read on for exclusive headlines you will only see here on the Bee Forum News, because Bee subscribers see things no one else sees and say things no one else is brave enough to say, for some reason.

Top Headlines of the Week – headlines with the most upvotes by forum members:

  • Trump Indicted For Making Biden Lose Debate @kirgol

  • Meet Oliver: The Ficus Tree That’s Really Been Running The Country During Biden’s Term @disidente_redactico

  • Democrats Offer To Check Black People’s Ballots To Make Sure They Voted Correctly @dontslowtheearth

  • Climate Protesters Win Support By Ruining Everything And Making Everyone Hate Them @showquest

  • Newsom Announces That While His Policies Are Crazy, He’s 100% Dementia Free @drconservativeprof

  • Washington Post Changes Slogan To ‘Democracy Dies With Dementia’ @gfanson

  • CNN Says They Have No Idea How Devil Horns Were Superimposed Onto Trump During Debate @twoplus2ischicken

  • After Disastrous Debate, Biden Hesitant To Step Down Off Stage @buzzyboy

  • Planned Parenthood Offers 10% Discount On Abortion When You Register To Vote @realmccoy

  • Congressional Facilities Staff Begin Long Process Of Removing All Giant ‘This Is A Fire Alarm’ Signs @fishythepenguin

  • Boeing Misunderstood That Mission Plan Was Also To Bring Them Back @ponysoldier

  • ISIS Terrorists Crossing Southern Border Very Concerned About Threat Of MAGA Extremists @neohillbilly

  • The Left Has Been Trying To Convince Us That 2 + 2 Might Not Equal 4 But In One 90 Minute Debate It Has Been Demonstrated That 45 > 46 @njhokie

  • Man Turns Off WNBA Game To Find A Better Game In The Backyard With Grandkids @thewalkman

  • Baptist Beaver Builds River Darn @baberahamlincoln

  • Satire Writers Say Grace Before Debate: ‘For This Bounty We Are About To Receive, We Give Thanks’ @hailgeezer

  • Obama Says He’s Not Dropping Out Of 2024 Race @priehle

Sometimes, really great headlines don’t make it to the top so here are some of my favs:

  • Camp David Places Order For More Formaldehyde @ruthiej714

  • The Streets Run Glittered With Rainbows After Heat Dome Melts Entire Pride Parade @lpathehuman

  • Panicked Democrats Reassure Public The Old Guy’s Not Really Running The Country @anythingelse

  • Boomer Slings 30-Year-Old Fanny Pack Over His Shoulder Sideways; Becomes Instantly Cool @ballbounces

  • Pastor Assures Mother Today’s Sermon On Screaming Children Was Not Targeted At Her Family @dontslowtheearth

  • Nursing Home Erupts In Mayhem After Getting Batch Of Biden Debate Drugs @showquest

  • Man Drafted To NBA After Making Perfect Paper Wad Free-Throw Into Trash @totallythefbi

  • Travis Kelce Denys Any Affiliation With The Patriarchy @suepeterson

  • “Should This Stick Be A Sword Or Rifle?” — Op-Ed By Seven-Year-Old Boy @skullcrazes

  • To Boost Morale, Putin Orders Russian Troops Watch Trump/Biden Debate @leecory

@BONUS – One randomly selected headline:

Do you have breaking news to report? Join us! Who knows, your headline might get published or featured on the Babylon Bee homepage, or it could show up here in our re-cap of the top headlines of the week. Thousands more totally true headlines were posted this week on the forum, but sadly, only Bee subscribers can read them. You did get to read a few, though, so if you have a favorite, please let us know in the comments!

Cover photoshop by subscriber @Disidente_Redactico

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