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I swear I am not making this up. Activists vowed to defecate in the scenic Seine River ahead of the Paris Olympics next month to protest the polluted water conditions. 

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An aside: Why are progressive cities like Paris always among the dirtiest in the world? It’s almost like they don’t believe the Big Green they’re preaching and forcing on the hoi polloi. 

The problem: the iconic Seine River is teeming with bad bacteria, and Olympians participating in open-water events, including the triathlon, are slated to swim in it, risking their health and possibly their lives. 

The plan to drop trou and defecate in the river began as a joke. A 20-something computer engineer who has thus far remained anonymous created a website for people to commit to “where and when to do their business so that it arrives in Paris on June 23.”

“At the beginning, the objective was to make a joke, bouncing off this ironic hashtag. Afterwards, everyone sees noon at their door. In the end, are people really going to go sh*t in the Seine, or set up militant actions, nothing is excluded,” the man who created the site told Actu Paris.

As dumb as the protest is, it does highlight some serious issues Olympians face. 

The Surfrider Foundation wrote in an open letter: 

For over 6 months, [Surfrider] has been taking regular samples from the Seine to monitor the bacteriological quality of the water. Bi-monthly samples are taken from the Pont de l’Alma and the Pont Alexandre III, the section of the river where the triathlon, marathon swimming and paratriathlon events will be held. In all, over 14 samples were taken and sent to the laboratory for analysis.

These samples enabled the association to determine the concentrations of E. coli and enterococci, intestinal bacteria and formidable indicators of pollution of faecal origin. Of the 14 samples taken, whether after heavy rain or on a sunny day, only 1 enabled our team to conclude that the quality of the water in the Seine at this particular point was even satisfactory.

In accordance with the directive mentioned above, these results are based on only 2 types of bacteria. Other types of pollution (chemical, biological, etc.) are not taken into account in the directive’s definition of bathing water quality.

It is therefore clear that the athletes who will be taking part in the Olympic and Paralympic events planned for the Seine will be swimming in polluted water and taking significant risks to their health. [Emphasis added]

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The French government has spent $1.5 billion on a clean-up effort, promising that, in addition to hosting Olympic events, the river, which has been closed to swimmers since 1923, will be open for public bathing.

French President Emmanual Macron and Paris Mayor Anne Hidalgo were supposed to swim in the polluted river last weekend to show their confidence in the clean-up effort, but that has been postponed. (Couldn’t they at least find a low-level staffer to dip a toe into the sewage-laden waters?) Incidentally, or perhaps ironically, former French President Jacques Chirac vowed to swim in the Seine amid cleanup efforts some 30 years ago. That never happened, either. But hey, they’ve flushed billions of euros down the crapper, so at least they’re doing something. (Narrator: that “something” is making themselves feel superior to the rest of us while they fly around the world in private jets.)

A quick trip across social media netted a handful of photos and videos of Parisians doing the dirty deed in the Seine, but I suspect many of them are AI-generated. At least I hope so. I will spare you the gag-inducing tweets. 

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At any rate, the bacteria levels in the river are a serious concern, and it’s unclear whether anything can be done to clean up the Seine in time for the Olympics. The triathlon could end up being changed to a duathlon, as it has in some recent competitions, which would no doubt be devastating to athletes who have spent years training for that specific event.