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Canada: it’s that country up to the North. But is it any better than America? Let’s take a look at a comprehensive comparison of the two countries:

Weights & Measures

Canada: Uses the metric system just like Communist Russia

USA: Measures everything in touchdowns per AR-15

Winner: USA

Free Speech

Canada: Can be jailed for misgendering non-binary people such as Justin Trudeau

USA: Jailing people for political reasons? Ha, that will never happen here.

Winner: USA

Healthcare

Canada: 7-month wait for free treatment, but unfortunately, the treatment is suicide

USA: 1-month wait to pay $500,000 so the doctor can give you an Advil

Winner: USA

Hockey

Canada: Invented hockey and still basically never wins the Stanley Cup

USA: Stole hockey from Canada along with all the good hockey players

Winner: USA

Leaders

Canada: Ruled by an oppressive dictator in blackface

USA: Ruled by an oppressive dictator with dementia

Winner: Draw

French people

Canada: Lots

USA: Legally banned from entering the country

Winner: USA

Weather

Canada: Cold

USA: Tornadoes, heat, hurricanes, cold, hot, whatever you like. A literal buffet of weather

Winner: USA

Population Density

Canada: Most people try to live as close to the US as possible

USA: Most people try to live as far away from Canada as possible

Winner: USA

Tourist Attractions

Canada: Snow?

USA: World’s largest rocking chair in Casey, Illinois

Winner: USA

Does your country have Texas?

Canada: No

USA: Yes

Winner: USA

Guns

Canada: You can only have lame guns for hunting

USA: Yes

Winner: USA

Food

Canada: Milk in a bag and deer jerky for every meal

USA: Milk in jugs as God intended, plus Golden Corral

Winner: USA

Government

Canada: Socialist

USA: Not socialist for another five or six years at least

Winner: USA

Well, there you have it. Looks like our fair and impartial analysis has definitively proved that the United States is better than Canada. Who knew?

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