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PAMPA, TX — Local woman Sydney Badeen stirred this evening after four hours of absolute stillness, just long enough to click “I’m still watching” on Netflix.

“Ugh, why would you even ask that,” muttered Badeen, her slight flicker of muscle movement past. “Leave me alone, Netflix.”

After hours of Badeen assuming a seemingly catatonic state, the streaming service flashed a message on the screen asking if the audience was still watching and alive. “I don’t need that kind of judgment, Netflix. Who are you to ask whether I have left the couch this evening?” said Badeen. “You’re not so active yourself, okay? You and your little circle that goes around and around. You have no room to talk, Netflix, you big bully.”

At publishing time, Badeen had reportedly stirred again five hours later when Netflix again asked if she was still watching or if the company should call the jaws of life to come remove her from the couch.

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