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REDDING, CA — Heavenly sources indicate God was shocked and appalled by the lack of eloquence in the prayer of local five-year-old Danny Roberts.

“Thank you pizza. Thank you food,” little Danny said unimpressively as he knelt by his bedside. “I don’t want nightmares.”

Though the boy’s prayer rose up to the Lord as incense, reports indicate it was not a pleasant aroma. The language was distinctly rudimentary: filled with both fragment and run-on sentences. No critical-thinking skills were evident in any of the common points discussed. Worst of all, Shakespearean language was distinctly absent because the kid was unfamiliar with 15th century early modern English.

“Frankly, I’m embarrassed for the kid,” said the angel Gabriel. “He isn’t even using ‘thee’ and ‘thy.’ Good luck getting that prayer answered, kid.”

Before the Lord’s throne, one of the 24 elders, who held Danny’s prayer in a golden bowl, nearly vomited. “Ugh, it’s so pedestrian!” he breathed as the four living creatures on either side of the throne looked on in wonderment.

At publishing time, the humble nature of the prayer reportedly made up for any shortcomings and was promptly answered.

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