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EAGAN, MN — Sources report local 15-year-old Brandon Michaels just had his entire social life absolutely ruined after his father used the term “rizz” in front of his friends.

According to eyewitnesses, Michaels’ father, a 45-year-old optical technician who prefers calf-length white crew socks, walked into the backyard to find his son in the middle of a pull-up contest with three of his friends on the family swing set. Michaels’ father then grinned devilishly before completely demolishing his son’s reputation and potential future chances of having a girlfriend forever. “No, no, Brandon. Chin-ups only work your biceps,” said Mr. Michaels, demonstrating. “Wider grip…wider grip…good! Doing real pull-ups will get you a lot more…what’s it again? More rizz! Much more rizz!”

As his friends burst out laughing, Michaels flushed beet-red and squawked, “Aw, Dad, not again!” Michaels’ father walked stone-faced and back into the house like an action-movie star, not even looking back at the explosion. “Rizz! Rizz! Rizz!” chanted the other teens, the damage complete.

At publishing time, Brandon had been forced to retreat to his room and begin contemplating a solitary monastic life after Mr. Michaels used the terms “mid,” “simp,” “slay,” and “bussin'” in front of his friends.

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