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PHILADELPHIA, PA — Distraught and horrified by what it witnessed during its brief time awakened from a long sleep, a 17-year cicada decided to return to hibernation after it emerged from the ground beneath a Pride parade.

The cicada had initially appeared from below the surface of the ground with an eager gleam in its compound eye, wanting to see how much the world had changed since 2007 only to find itself hurriedly flying back toward its burrow for safety and sanity.

“This… this can’t be the way the world is now. How long was I asleep?” the cicada was heard asking itself before it returned to its hibernation hole underground. “I wanted to breathe fresh air… see the sun again. Instead, I come out of the ground for the first time in 17 years to see naked dudes marching down the street in broad daylight. Wearing makeup… waving rainbow flags… wearing bondage gear. What startling new hell is this? Get me back to the safety of my hole, where things still make sense!”

“He seemed pretty frightened,” said one witness, a man who was wearing leather chaps and nothing else as he danced in front of young children. “Who knew cicadas were such bigots?”

At publishing time, the cicada had said he was disappointed he missed the opportunity to see the new Star Wars sequel trilogy he had heard about.

We asked Trump to narrate 7 more famous historic battles, and the result was tremendous and magnificent. Everyone says so.


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