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U.S. — Following the reading of the guilty verdict in the first criminal trial of a former president, Democrats across the country celebrated Donald Trump being convicted of whatever it was he did.

Though none of the Democrats who commented publicly on the verdict were able to identify what crime Trump allegedly committed, they were unanimously overjoyed that there was a volition of some type for some thing that was done at some point.

“It’s time for Trump to answer for that one thing from that one time,” said former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “No one should ever do that thing that he did, back at that place with whoever. The justice system worked flawlessly to hunt Trump down like the criminal he is and hold him accountable for… whatever.”

Prominent Democrats in Hollywood also voiced their elation over Trump finally being brought to justice for something they couldn’t quite put their finger on. “We don’t tolerate this stuff in America,” said actor Robert DeNiro. “The stuff he has done… I’m not even going to talk about it. The fact that he thought he could just do… stuff… and get away with it shows what type of scumbag he is. What a disgrace. I don’t know what he did. I don’t want to know what he did. But, whatever it is, he’s guilty.”

At publishing time, celebrities including Rob Reiner, Kathy Griffin, and Chelsea Handler had begun filming a public service announcement warning the American public about the dangers of people like Donald Trump doing… something.

We asked Trump to narrate 7 more famous historic battles, and the result was tremendous and magnificent. Everyone says so.


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