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NEW YORK, NY — In an outcome that was sure to shake the foundations of the entire country, the first criminal trial of a former president reached its close, as Donald Trump was convicted of being Donald Trump.

The verdict was handed down today in a New York courtroom, with jurors unanimously agreeing that the evidence presented by the prosecution overwhelmingly proved that the defendant was indeed guilty of being Donald Trump.

“It was an open and shut case,” said prosecutor Joshua Steinglass. “There wasn’t any way he could sit there being Donald Trump and just get away with it. We were given strict orders to hold him accountable for being Donald Trump, and that’s what we’ve done. Justice has been carried out and he will now face the penalty for being Donald Trump, as he should.”

Public reaction, as expected, was heavily mixed, with law enforcement on hand to prevent any riots or unrest outside the courthouse. “This is the greatest moment of my life,” said Academy Award-winning actor Robert DeNiro. “We got ‘em. We finally got ‘em. Being Donald Trump shouldn’t ever be allowed. Not in America.”

At publishing time, Trump’s legal team vowed a swift appeal, with the possibility of the Supreme Court determining whether or not being Donald Trump is, in fact, a crime punishable by jail time or death.

We asked Trump to narrate 7 more famous historic battles, and the result was tremendous and magnificent. Everyone says so.

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