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I decided to acquire a human toddler a few months back after hearing rave reviews from others, and am ready at this point to write my own, honest review.

Now, types of toddlers vary but there are common issues that several toddler owners have reported with their own models. First off, I wasn’t expecting this thing to make so many messes. Piles of birdseed in my bed, crayon marks all over the new couch… somehow they even managed to dye the dog pink with that little bottle of food coloring I accidentally left out the other day. And the food! When they eat, there’s a blast radius of spaghetti sauce or yoghurt ranging from six to eight feet around the highchair. It’s actually impressive sometimes.

I wish the instructions had been clearer about how to clean up the volume of daily messes. Some days, I spend hours on one particular mess, only to turn around and find four or five more. Yesterday, I discovered grape juice poured all over a clean pile of laundry. While scrubbing the juice, three of my houseplants perished, having been yanked out of their pots, and the potting soil distributed in creative areas around the house including all over the recently-mopped kitchen floor. I really wish these things came with a self-cleaning mode.

Let me tell you, no matter what model of toddler you own, chances are you will be at the end of your rope at some point in your day, every day. You can try recharging your patience by laying the toddler down for a nap, but depending on your model, their battery life typically far exceeds your own. My model also refuses to sleep in the evenings, so whatever benefit you gained from a break during naptime will be eaten up by hours of effort at bedtime.

Having said all that, I was fully prepared to leave a bad review for my toddler. But then, last night, on hour four of trying to get him to sleep after a long day of changing diapers, wiping noses, reading stories, filling up sippy cups, making blueberry pancakes, playing with playdough, cuddling on the couch while watching Bluey, swinging at the park, laughing at the dog, squeezing his hand when a car honked too loudly…he looked up at me and said, “Mommy, I wuv you….”.

16 out of 5 stars. Would buy again.

We asked Trump to narrate 7 more famous historic battles, and the result was tremendous and magnificent. Everyone says so.


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