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The prosecution has finally rested in the criminal case against former President Trump, having presented nine bullet-proof pieces of evidence that prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Trump is guilty. Here they are:

  1. Trump said he’s innocent: Exactly the sort of thing a guilty person would say.
  2. Before the trial, the prosecution’s star witnesses both said Trump was innocent: It doesn’t get any more cut and dry.
  3. The judge decided Trump was guilty before the trial even began: It was that obvious.
  4. No one in America has ever been charged with a felony for this crime before: Trump is so guilty they had to make up new laws. Case closed.
  5. Trump was in Home Alone 2 alongside notorious criminals “The Wet Bandits”: What more evidence could you need?
  6. Trump spent evenings after trial delivering pizza to firemen: Exactly what a hardened felon would do. Lock him up.
  7. Trump’s signature on the checks in question is kind of hard to read: The plain mark of criminal conspiracy.
  8. Trump’s political opponent held a campaign rally outside the courthouse: Why would he do that if Trump wasn’t in the wrong?
  9. He’s not a Democrat: Clearly guilty. That’s just how law works.

If that’s not an airtight list of evidence that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Trump is guilty, then you belong in a cell right next to him!

We asked Trump to narrate 7 more famous historic battles, and the result was tremendous and magnificent. Everyone says so.


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