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LONDON — Major League Cricket has announced that all future league games will use a pitch clock in order to reduce the average time of a match to around 168 hours.

“Aw, crumbs!” bellowed Albert Collins, bowler for the London WickerWhackers. “We shan’t hardly have time for a proper match, shall we? All this bother over television rot goes against the spirit of the game! When are we going to have time for a mid-game cuppa with all this bustling about? Jolly shame!”

While other cricketers in the league have also expressed concerns over having to “rush the game,” preliminary polls of the three or four people who actually watch cricket have shown that the change is quite popular.

“It makes it much easier to watch cricket now that I don’t have to take two weeks’ vacation every time I want to catch a game,” said Robert Brown, avid fan of the New Delhi BumblyBowlers. “I have so much more time now to do other things, like eat and see my family. It was sorely needed.”

At publishing time, the innovation had succeeded in bringing the length of MLC cricket matches down to a record 7 days, 4 hours, and 37 minutes.

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