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WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden appeared visibly overwhelmed Thursday during an impromptu on-the-record press gaggle until he noticed the answer to a reporter’s completely spontaneous, definitely unplanned-in-advance question was pre-written on his note card.

How fortunate!

“I don’t know who — what does that even mean?” Biden initially muttered before noticing the answer to the question was written out for him on a little piece of paper. “Wait, yes. Yes, I can answer your question!”

Biden’s speech slowed as he read carefully from the notecard: “This is America. I’m calling on all billionaires to pay their fair share. It’s common sen… se… uh… well, anyway…”

Although Biden still bungled the prewritten answer to the question, the reporter was kind enough to give him a do-over. According to White House policy, the president gets up to three do-overs per press gaggle.

Biden then read the answer slowly, one word at a time, just like Mrs. Cunningham had taught him in first grade. Upon his successful answer, the press pool erupted in applause.

“It’s almost like this is a magic fortune-telling notecard,” Biden muttered, his eyes wide with astonishment. “Where did this even come from?”

White House Chief of Staff Jeff Zients was spotted looking upon the scene with a knowing nod of pride.

At publishing time, President Biden signed an executive order to find out where his notecards were coming from and whether those elves that snuck in at night to fix shoes were responsible.

Want proof that Jesus was a woke socialist? Look no further than these classic quotes straight from the Bible.


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