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NEW YORK, NY — Prosecutors in the trial against former president Donald Trump offered star witness Michael Cohen $130,000 if he would keep his big mouth shut for a while.

“Every time Cohen talks, it totally ruins our case…” Prosecutor Susan Hoffinger told the press. “I mean, he’s totally legitimately trustworthy, completely. Totally. But Sometimes he sort of has this knack for completely undermining the entire credibility of our totally and completely airtight case against Trump. So we’re just going to go ahead and slide him a little ‘please shut up’ money.”

Cohen admitted in court this week he stole $60,000 from Trump when he was serving as the presidential candidate’s attorney. Legal analysts say the admission further lampoons the prosecution’s very well-thought-out case against Trump and makes them look a little like “low-IQ donkeys”.

“We’re going to pay Micheal some money if he’ll promise to just go away and stop all the blah blah blah for a bit,” Hoffinger said. “When we do it, it’s to protect democracy.”

At publishing time, Trump had been indicted for failing to condemn the prosecution’s hush money payments.

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