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KANSAS CITY, KS — In the wake of Harrison Butker’s recent commencement speech encouraging college graduates to get married and start a family, feminists around the nation are cautioning young girls not to marry wealthy, successful Super Bowl champions like Butker.

“Can you imagine how terrible it would be to marry a ripped, non-feminist football star who loves you so much he gets choked up every time he honors you in a speech?” activist Margery Strecker exclaimed in a Tik-Tok short aimed at 13-year-old girls. “Imagine if you married a guy like that and he started sacrificially loving you and honoring you while taking care of your every need forever! It would be like The Handmaid’s Tale all over again!”

“Harrison Butker is disgusting!” Jane Davis (@38yroldsngle) commented on X (formerly Twitter). “Young girls should avoid men like that at all costs and instead pursue corporate careers in the big city while going to clubs and sleeping with losers they meet on dating apps every weekend until they turn 38! Think of your careers, ladies!”

While Butker was unavailable for comment, sources close to the 3-time Super Bowl Champion claim that he was busy getting ready to surprise his wife with a romantic dinner after an afternoon spent throwing around a football with his son.

At publishing time, all of the nation’s girls were busy ignoring the feminists while replacing their Tim Tebow posters with framed Harrison Butker jerseys.

Want proof that Jesus was a woke socialist? Look no further than these classic quotes straight from the Bible.


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