WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Monkeypox pandemic has finally breached the shores of the United States, with the CDC confirming a staggering 1 infections so far. In response, America’s favorite, most trusted doctor, Dr. Anthony...
Read MoreU.S.—As the baby formula crisis continues to grow, more families have opted for an alternative formula source and have started taking whey protein instead. The babies will still get everything they need for healthy...
Read MoreWASHINGTON, D.C.—Sporting a purple pin-striped suit and top hat while twirling a cane whimsically, President Biden announced today that he has hidden five golden crack pipes among the millions of taxpayer-funded safe...
Read MoreEXTON, PA—To save time at his next physical, 38-year-old Juan Ohero’s doctor has asked him to just tell him what parts of his body aren’t hurting. The small adjustment is expected to save both Otero and his doctor several hours...
Read MoreSANTA ANA, CA—Three-year-old Sean Lima checked himself into rehab this past week due to a crippling Pepperidge Farm Goldfish addiction, according to sources. The stay in rehab follows a mandatory court order after the child was...
Read MoreNew documents confirm the COVID vaccine is only 12% effective! Oh well… they tried. And everyone had fun, didn’t they? Here are a few things that ended up being more effective than the vaccine:1) CNN+2) Telling...
Read MoreCHOCTAW, OK—Local fat man Nicolas Craig has reportedly been frustrated by his inability to lose weight despite neither dieting nor exercising. The 38-year-old father of four was spotted complaining about his predicament to...
Read MoreA super spy descended from the ceiling and stole the Supreme Court’s majority opinion that would overturn Roe v Wade and leaked it to the press. Dozens of people across the nation are furious because this will...
Read MoreSCHENECTADY, NY—With the looming threat that the undemocratic Supreme Court may overturn Roe v. Wade and remove federal abortion protections, local abortionist Dr. Chester Redrum expressed concern that he may have to become one...
Read MoreWORLD—According to sources, scientists are no closer to figuring out how 12 ounces of coffee can become 6 gallons of pee within mere hours of enjoying your morning beverage. Scientists who’ve spent their whole lives...
Read MoreU.S.—According to medical professionals, people turning 35 years of age enter a new phase of life characterized by an endless cycle of dieting and back pain until the merciful release of death. “When we released our...
Read MoreESCONDIDO, CA—Local man Jack Wylder was urged by his wife to go on a morning walk to get some exercise. He agreed to go on the walk but clarified from the outset that he refused to be happy about it. After taking just a few...
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