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WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprise move this morning, President Biden announced he has granted a full and complete pardon to the Dark Lord Sauron.

The pardon will reportedly cover any crimes that Sauron may have committed during the entirety of the Second Age of Middle Earth.

“Everyone deserves a second chance,” said Biden in a press statement. “We believe in restoring opportunities for Dark Lords like Sauron to participate in daily life and contribute to their communities. Life isn’t about who falls down — it’s about what you do when you get back up. We look forward to seeing what Sauron does when he gets back on his feet and returns to bodily form.”

The pardon will wipe the slate clean for Sauron, who had previously been accused of tens of thousands of murders and other untold horrors as he attempted to bring all things under his evil dominion. According to the Mouth of Sauron, the Dark Lord plans to move into a quiet neighborhood in Minas Tirith where he looks forward to getting a fresh start.

At publishing time, Biden had declined to pardon Pippin, who was credibly accused of going inside restricted areas of the Citadel without permission.


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