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Whoopi Goldberg, who was pushing nearly three bills a few years back, is scared big, bad RFK Jr. is about to fat-shame Americans for the next four years. 

That’s right. WHOOPI GOLDBERG is now giving out health advice on The View – that insufferable show that I’d love to stop writing about, but they’re all so dumb I can’t. Sad. 

Anyway, big-boned Whoopi – that’s what the doctor called me back when I was a fat kid to sound nicer about it, so I can say it now – sounded the alarm on yesterday’s dumb episode, and was nearly brought to tears over RFK Jr. and the Trump Administration … cracking down on weight loss drugs like Ozempic (which isn’t a weight loss drug, which is a problem). 

I mean, these people are NUTS:

Dr. Whoopi is on the case!

See? They are insane. Truly, truly insane. But you know what? I love it. I need clips like this like I need air to breathe. 

Unlike the useless COVID shot or all those disgusting child vaccines, I want THIS injected right into my veins. A giant Whoopi Goldberg telling America that being fat is genetic is peak 2024. It’s perfect. It’s exactly what I wanted to end the year. 

Whoopi calls Ozempic a weight-loss drug. She’s an idiot. It is not a weight-loss drug, which is sort of the point of cracking down on … using it as a weight-loss drug. Sorry, RFK Jr. doesn’t want Americans jabbing themselves with a diabetic drug in the hopes of getting less fat. What a terrible guy!

Hey, Whoopi – maybe mix in a salad or two instead of gaslighting us 24 hours a day. Maybe you’ll be able to lose weight naturally instead of having to use whatever the hell it is you used to stay below 300 pounds. 

THREE HUNDRED POUNDS!

But it’s not her fault. It was genetic. Makes sense. We’re all just fat kids on the inside, you know. 

God, these people are just insane. I was a fat kid growing up. You know how I stopped being fat? I worked on a beach on Nantucket one summer, and lost 30 pounds by sticking 150 umbrellas in the sand each day and catering to the 1%. 

That’s how. I also biked my ass to and from work, and probably smoked a cigarette or two because everyone knows that’s the real weight-loss drug. We used to be such a great country.

But I didn’t blame my family for being fat. Nope. I blamed myself for downing four boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch a day as a kid, looked in the mirror, saw how fat I was, and decided to get my ass off the couch and go to work. 

Jan. 20 can’t get here soon enough. It’s time to Make This Fat Country Healthy Again. MTFCHA!