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U.S. — Resourceful restauranteur Eugene H. Krabs announced plans this week to convert the hundreds of vacated Red Lobster locations into new Krusty Krab franchises.

“Hello! I like money, and you’re going to love what me crew did with the ol’ Red Lobster!” said Mr. Krabs as he cut the red ribbon with his claw. “You’ll forget all about endless shrimp when you taste my Krabby Patty. Now, I can’t disclose the recipe for my new patented ‘Cheesy Bay Rolls’, but they’re way, way better than the ones people were eating at Red Lobster – and for a limited time with just a 25 percent markup!”

According to sources in his home of Bikini Bottom, Krabs is known for his innovative food inventions and shrewd business savvy. “Mr. Krabs has survived competition from a plankton that has literally tried to incinerate the Krusty Krab with a laser on multiple occasion,” said a local resident. “Turning over a failed lobster chain will be a piece of cake for a crab like Krabs. The employees better get ready though… Krabs can smell laziness from 10,000 leagues away. As he always says, ‘I’m not running a happy factory here!'”

Though primarily converting each store into a Krusty Krab franchise, Krabs has kept a few of Red Lobster’s more popular features to woo back customers. “In addition to the biscuits you love, come on down for Lobster Lalapalooza! It’s just just like Lobster Fest, but a little different for legal reasons,” explained Krabs. “Also, I’m adding a wishing well for any suckers who will throw money to me for no reason.”

At publishing time, Mr. Krabs had announced that he would keep the aquarium at the front of each Red Lobster and stock them with plankton.

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