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Following Donald Trump’s masterful recounting of the Battle of Gettysburg, the world has been awaiting his descriptions of other famous battles. That wait is now over, as Trump has provided his synopses of an all-star list of the world’s most well-known confrontations.

The Babylon Bee is proud to reveal Trump’s commentary on the following battles:

  1. Battle of Stalingrad: “The Germans came in. You really gotta hand it to Hitler. Bad guy, don’t get me wrong. But he came into Stalingrad. Rommel tried to tell him. ‘Don’t get involved in a land war in Asia, me boys,’ he said. But Hitler didn’t listen.”
  2. D-Day: “And the Americans, they crossed the water and landed on the beaches. Brits were nowhere. Nowhere to be seen. Very sad, what’s happened to the British. Hitler, he was asleep. He’s fallen out of favor, you ever notice that? Not in favor anymore. Tom Hanks, he was there. Good friend of mine, Mr. Hanks.”
  3. Battle of Hoth: “The rebels were hiding out there on Hoth. Very cold, very cold on Hoth. I’m telling you, Mar-A-Lago is much warmer. It’s in the tropics. Don’t have to cut open a Tauntaun there. And those big crawly things came in, and Luke kissed his sister. Incest Luke, we call him. Very sad.”
  4. The Alamo: “Remember the Alamo, who can ever forget the Alamo. ‘Shoot the Mexicans, me boys, shoot the Mexicans.’ Davy Crockett said that. You know who forgot the Alamo? Joe Biden. Sleepy Joe. He can’t remember the Alamo, can’t even remember his name. Forgetful Joe.”
  5. Helm’s Deep: “This fellow, Bob Helm I think he was called, built a great big wall. Made Sauron pay for it. The Orcs tried to get through with a big bomb thing. But Theoden was there. Great man. We all remember him right? He said ‘So it begins, me boys, so it begins.’ Gandalf showed up late, of course. Slept in that day. Groggy Gandalf, we call him.”
  6. Battle of Troy: “They say it started over a gal named Helen. She was a beauty, wasn’t she? Except for the name. I’ve never seen a hot woman named Helen. But there she was. And they brought in a big horse. And they let the horse in, even though it was undocumented. They had no idea who the horse was. Nobody vetted him. And they all died. So sad. All because they didn’t secure their border.”
  7. The Battle of Little Bighorn: “Custard’s last stand. General Custard. Lot of arrows in him. Fought the Sioux. I can relate. A lot of people Sioux me. Never underestimate Indians. Redskins, I call them. Great football team, never should’ve changed the name.”
  8. The War Against The Machines: “We fought hard in that one. The robots were smart. Looked like humans. But their hands — robots can’t do hands. It’s how John spotted them. John Connor, his name was. He sent people back in time to save himself but he never sent himself back. Did you notice that? Never sent himself back.”
  9. Battle of Thermopylae: “Battle of THER-mo-Pie-Lay, that’s what they called it. Strange name but they say it meant the ‘Hot Gates.’ I didn’t think they were hot, but everyone was sensitive in those days. The Persians wanted through the gates but the Spartans said no. Fought naked. Little gay to be honest. Little gay that they did that. The Persians wore clothes, and so they won. You don’t win battles fighting naked, I’ve always said.”

There’s nothing like having history retold in the words of a true master. It’s little wonder the nations of the world shook in fear during his presidency.


World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.


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