MALIBU, CA — After Roe v. Wade was overturned, actor Mark Hamill took to Twitter to angrily condemn the decision — as well as people who adopt children like the Star Wars characters Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru.
“People who adopt other people’s babies are creepy, terrible people,” said Hamill to reporters. “Luke Skywalker should’ve been aborted by Padme, but instead he was adopted by a gross, uneducated white couple from some flyover planet far away from the bright center of the universe. Disgusting! They’re probably Evangelical Christians.”
Hamill went on to say that if he could remake the Star Wars series, Padme would’ve sought out a galactic Planned Parenthood and aborted both Luke and Leia. “Star Wars could have been a triumphant story of bodily autonomy,” he said, “but instead it was just another tale of courage, heroism, and redemption. Lame!”
Hamill went on to criticize the adoptive parents of Leia — Bail and Breha Organa — for not tossing the future Princess Leia in a nearby lake when they had the chance.
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He’s doing his best to keep his chin up.