Are you a woman? Are you in desperate need of a man you can make sandwiches for? We surveyed 3 Christian few men sitting around the break room and compiled the common answers to come up with a definitive list of female qualities men crave.

Here are some things Christian men are looking for in a mate:

  1. Exists: If you are a woman and reading this then you’re practically all set.
  2. Has a uterus: For all the strapping young boys you’ll have.
  3. Knows where she wants to eat: And it’s always a Christian restaurant like Chick-fil-A or In-n-Out.
  4. Is a best friend and can stay up late talking about hopes and dreams and deepest fears: Wait – how did that get in here?
  5. Has a Proverbs 31 tramp stamp: Love at first sight.
  6. Keeps silent in the church, making sure to ask you what the sermon was about at home: As is proper.
  7. A Five-Star Chef: Or at least a former Subway sandwich artist.
  8. Smart, but not so smart that she realizes she can do better: Just smart enough to talk about Lord of the Rings and the Bible.
  9. Can knit you stockings for the harsh winter: And maybe she can crochet some cool video game characters for you.
  10. Doesn’t obsess about Boaz: We can’t all be perfect!
  11. Just anyone who will be nice to me and make me nachos sometimes: So alone.

True love is near if you follow the biblical pattern for your life. Just stop comparing everyone to Boaz and learn to settle.

NOT SATIRE: Download Upward Today. The app made for Christian singles.

Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He’s doing his best to keep his chin up.

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