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HUNDRED ACRE WOOD—Within hours of Congress passing a new “red flag” law, local resident Winnie the Pooh has had all his firearms confiscated by authorities. 

“We knew we had to act quickly after receiving several complaints from Rabbit, who lives nearby,” said local ATF Agent Dexter Jagular. “Apparently, this ‘Pooh’ character has been having deranged paranoid delusions about ‘Heffalumps and Woozles’ coming to steal his stash of honey. This is clearly a disturbed individual.”

According to sources, the breaking point came when Pooh pulled a rifle on his friend Tigger, who—according to neighbors—was only paying a friendly visit. “We knew then he was dangerous and had to be immediately disarmed,” said Rabbit after submitting the complaint. 

Authorities also cited concern that Pooh had not been openly critical of Donald Trump on social media, fueling suspicions he could be a white nationalist or insurrectionist.

“We applaud the fine animals of Hundred Acre Wood for coming forward to report a dangerous person and keep their community safe,” said Agent Jagular. 

At publishing time, Pooh was found tied up in his home after being robbed by a Heffalump. 


Judges at a school spelling bee are stumped and infuriated when a child dares to ask them for a definition of the word “woman.”


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