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You heretics who like pineapple on pizza have fooled many people, including our beloved Doc Holiday.

But you’re not fooling me, you ingrates!

The New World gave us both tomatoes and pineapple, but only one reigns supreme, and it is an insult to the glorious pomodoro to disgrace it with a fruit that literally eats you back.

I can’t truly blame the Hawaiians. After all, the pineapple was exported there from South America by the stinkin’ Spanish in the 1700s. It’s not the islanders’ fault that the Spanish would set in motion their most historic insult against Italians and their cuisine.

Today, however, I found the culprit to blame for the travesty that is pineapple pizza. No, it isn’t some long-dead Spanish captain lost in Davy Jone’s Locker. It’s this guy from Ontario:

“Should he have?”

We all (should) know the answer to that question.

Of course it was a Canadian who dreamed up this travesty. Only someone from America’s wayward hat could dream up something more perverse than Trudeau’s blackface or an Ontario Pride parade or enjoying living somewhere that’s cold 11 months a year.

If we would have paid attention to the signs, we would have stopped Canada from being a dystopia ruled by Castro’s son!

I REST MY CASE.

But there are even more layers here. As you may have noticed, Sam was Greek, meaning a Greek restaurateur decided to cap off the historic rivalry between the two Mediterranean peninsulas that stretches back to the centuries before Christ.

Sadly, Sam passed away in 2017, so I am unable to invite him to defend himself.

I am convinced though, given the multiple historical and cultural layers that date back to antiquity, that pineapple pizza is truly another invention of the devil, like kale!


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