VATICAN CITY—Amid rumors that Pope Francis will soon abdicate the See of Peter, the Sacred College of Cardinals has pledged to choose a woman of color as the next pope.
Vatican spokesman Monitori Vaticani clarified that cardinals felt it was “about time” for a woman Pope of color to bring her unique woman-of-color perspectives to the Church in Rome.
“Pope Francis has been our most progressive pope by far,” said Vaticani. “But he still had antiquated backward ideas about homosexuality and abortion. The church needs to keep progressing toward greater representation, which is now the only valid moral law still remaining in the world.”
According to sources, a small group of radicalized cardinals has strongly opposed any suggestion that a pope can be female, or that the color of their skin even matters. The majority of cardinals, however, remain committed to electing a BIPOC pope so they can add “SLAY QUEEN” to their regular chants.
Pope Francis has yet to make an official statement on any pending renunciation of his duties, though sources confirm that cardinals are putting together a shortlist of papal nominees anyway because “he’s older than Biden.”
Francis, for his part, has voiced support for the idea of a transgender black woman sitting upon the throne of Peter. “Please remember me as being on the right side of history,” he said.
Judges at a school spelling bee are stumped and infuriated when a child dares to ask them for a definition of the word “woman.”