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U.S.—No longer able to keep up with the endlessly fluid definition of the word “woman,” Merriam Webster has elected to replace the traditional definition of “adult female person” with a more open-ended “shrug” emoji.

“For goodness sake, it’s 2022,” said company president Greg Barlow. “Who uses words anymore, anyway? Do words even mean anything? Not anymore! By defining words with a ‘shrug’ emoji, we allow the political party in power to define these words how they see fit. Progress!”

According to Merriam-Webster, the word “woman” is just the first of many new emoji-based definitions in the works. Starting next month, for example, “drag-queen” will be defined using nothing but a “heart” emoji, while the word “groomer” will be defined with a beautiful multicolored “pride flag” emoji.

Experts hope this is just the beginning of more dictionary modernization efforts to define words using pictures, grunts, and primal screeches until the entire human race is embroiled in a delightful stew of bubbling tolerance.

The online dictionary also confirmed they would be adding “Donald Trump” to their bank of words, to be defined with a “devil” emoji. 

Judges at a school spelling bee are stumped and infuriated when a child dares to ask them for a definition of the word “woman.”

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