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LAYTON, UT—Scholars for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (aka, Mormons) have published a study revealing a disturbing trend among young Mormons. Specifically, millennial Mormons are waiting until later in life, sometimes even until age 22, to get married.

This development has unsettled many Church leaders, particularly since it comes on the heels of a recent study suggesting younger Mormons do not plan to have nine children.

“What ever happened to finding a nice, broad-shouldered girl and settling down at the ideal age of 16?” asked Church spokesman, Orson McKay Young Nibley-Smith III. “I’ll tell you somethin’, what these pampered nippers need are fewer android cellular phones and more time spreading the Gospel among the head-hunting tribes of Mongolia.”

Not all members see the trend of marrying late as a negative thing. The culture writer Nobbler Coppins suggested that Mormons marrying at an older age may be the ticket to granting the Church some much-needed cultural cachet, even relevance as a modern, likable religion.

“Perhaps,” mused Coppins, “Society will look past the clichéd beards and baby factories to see us as more relatable once they see us marrying later in life, getting poorly-thought out tattoos, and having awkward drinking stories.”

At publishing time, leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints were reeling from yet another study confirming young Mormons are interested in having just one wife.


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